I wrote on Friday that I was going to try to be strong because of a family crisis.  Well I failed miserably. It is just good that my wife is so strong to support me.  Hopefully, when I get better, I will be able to support her more, she deserves it.

I am sleeping too much.  I went to bed at 7 last night, went straight to sleep and didn't wake up until 9 this morning.  It must be the medication having some effect, although I always sleep a lot, even when I am well.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to try keep a more regular, routine day.  Get up on time and keep as busy as I can.  I really would like to go back to work before the end of term but it would be a lot harder if I don't have routine in my life.

Life really does drop some enormous bombs sometimes and we have had one today.  Nothing life threatening, but enough to cause the family some serious hassle. Sorry if you are reading this and wondering what it is, but some things I cannot share on a blog that is open for all to read.

Luckily I seem to be in a more resilient state of mind and it isn't effecting me too much yet. Sometimes these things have a delayed effect on me and it takes a couple of days but I need to be strong to support my wife through this.  When I am depressed, I find it very difficult to be anything but selfish, but really I must make an effort to look beyond myself, especially over the next few days.

I have had a lovely morning out with a old friend of mine who I used to work with.  He is a great chap and kindly listened to everything I had to say, despite the fact it was all moans and groans.  I say thank you to him and look forward to seeing him in the summer.

I am feeling somewhat better today even though I didn't really sleep very well last night.  The medication seems to be improving my mood but affecting my sleep patterns.  Hopefully the sleep will settle down because the mood improvements are really giving me some optimism.  Little steps are important here because I am scared of going back to where I was at the weekend. I remain vulnerable.

I see some of my friends have been doing some very long bike rides getting ready for the Nello, 100 mile ride at the end of June.  It makes me feel that I need to some longer rides so that I have any chance of keeping up with them on the day.  Trouble is I am putting on weight, partly due to the fact that I have been doing a lot of weight training recently, partly due to the medication but mainly because I keep eating chocolate. I should be OK on the flat, because I am quite fit, but it will be difficult dragging my bulk up all of the hills. 

I am struggling to find anything positive to write at the moment.  Every thing seems to be difficult, including getting out of bed and going out of the house.  I was supposed to go cycling with friends today, but couldn't face seeing too many people, so I didn't go.  The problem is, that I can't see how it is going to get better. Hopefully the psychiatrist will help as she might be more able to improve my medication.

And as ever, when I feel like this, my mind turns towards religion.  I always wonder why nothing comes along to make me feel better.  I know my suffering is much less than others in the world but why should people suffer?  I have read some of the arguments for human suffering but they really don't make sense to me. 

As far as I can see, it all comes back to faith being the most important thing.  Why does it have to be faith and not real evidence?   The answer to this is that there is no strong evidence in anything supernatural, so it has to rely on belief and faith.  Why would any god do that to us?  What is so special about just believing in something?  

Footnote

People will obviously think that my mind turns to religion at times of crisis because it is some sort of truth. I think it is because of my up bringing and the indelible mark it has made on me.  For example, if from a very young age I was told that the sun was a god I would still feel uneasy during eclipses, fearing I might have upset it.  I was told at an early age that god was the answer to everything, it is hard to shake off that hope.

Yesterday I thought I couldn't feel any worse, but today I do, much worse. This is just such a such a horrid illness it is taking everything I am and destroying it.

When I started to write this blog I thought I should write it no matter how I felt, as it would be a good record for the future but today I am not sure.  I guess I am going to write and put it online more as cry for help more than anything.  It is destroying me and  even worse it is taking my family relationships with it.

It has been a really difficult couple of days.  I have had a series of knocks that have left me feeling rock bottom.  I now have started to doubt everything about myself.  The foundations on which I build my life seem shaky at the moment.   I really don't know where to go from here and am now really scared of the future.

I saw my Doctor yesterday and he was his usual fantastic self.  He has referred me to a psychiatrist because I am not making the improvements he would have hoped.  I just hope they can work some sort of miracle because surely life can be better than this.

Yesterday we celebrated my wife's birthday.  It was great, especially  because her three boys (my step sons), our lodger and their partners came to tea.  So a pleasant time was had by all.  It is good to see all the boys making their own way in the world and to see them so resilient to the 'school of hard knocks' that they have had along the way.  I look at them and have absolutely no wish to be their age again, unless I could be there with my 48 year old head on my shoulders.  I am sure the pressures they are under, are far greater than they were when I was a teenager and in my early twenties.

Sleep continues to be an issue for me,  I am either sleeping too much or too little. It make a normal life very difficult and is making any thoughts, of a return to work, impossible.  I am seeing my Doctor tomorrow and I am going to have to discuss this with him particularly in terms of my medication and to see what can be done.

I am off to see my counselor again this morning which continues to be helpful, if nothing else it is good just to be able to talk without fear of interruption.  She does also nudge me in the right direction and builds my self confidence.

I have written before about my older daughter and how she has grown into a brilliant young woman. I am going to write about the younger one today.

She is currently 16 and in the middle of her GCSE exams.  Well that poor kid has not only had the worry of all her sister's illnesses and my depression, but she has also had to watch some of her friends suffer horribly with eating disorders.

Her reactions to all of this has been inspirational.  Even as a young child, she dealt with all her sister's hospital visits with no fuss, never being jealous of the all the attention she missed out on. She has also given me wise advice during my illness, showing a maturity well beyond her years. She has stayed strong during her friends' illnesses and has been prepared to go to extraordinary lengths to support them.

To say I was proud of her doesn't really do it justice, it is more like I am in awe of her, she really is special.

I am increasingly becoming concerned that this medication (Mirtazapine) isn't really suiting me. It is making me feel constantly lethargic, quite dizzy, I am eating non stop and putting on weight. I am seeing the doctor on Friday and will ask him whether it would be good to change it back to the fluoxetine.

My mood is still quite low, partly because I am now starting to doubt I will be ready for work, even after half term. I am OK at home but I really need to get my life back to normal.  As I have said previously, I am looking forward to going back to teaching but I have to be 100%.   

I am however looking to the future, I am  looking at things to fill the gaps in my life.  I have emailed a couple of organisations where I might be able to use my experiences of depression to benefit others.  Watch this space for more details. 

So how my mood changes.  I felt alright most of yesterday, had one minor upset whilst in town and ended up, in tears, at my in-laws house.  That is the problem with this condition, it effects everyone around me.  They were all very kind, but I really need to sort this out.

Yesterday I wrote:-
My single biggest fear is living the rest of my life in abject mediocrity.  I want to make a difference.

Many kind people have made comments on my Facebook page, saying that I do make a difference, but somehow it is not enough.  One comment yesterday really summed up how I feel:-
Reading between the lines of your blog tells me you may need to change direction. What makes your heart beat faster?

I love teaching and really am looking forward to getting back to it, but I have allowed myself to become overburdened with the bureaucracy of it all. I have a real passion for teaching science, but have let all the strategies and policies get in the way of that.  That is going to change.

But I need still need more.  One idea I have is to become a champion for mental health in schools and in the wider world.  Hopefully this blog is the start of that but any suggestions of things I could do, would be gratefully received.   

My single biggest fear is living the rest of my life in abject mediocrity.  I want to make a difference.

I didn't write anything yesterday because I went on a long bike ride.   Exercise is one of the 5 steps to better mental health, but that didn't stop me feeling that I should be at work .   What a ridiculous position to be in, to be told that I should exercise, but then to feel guilty about it.   The stigma around mental health is so difficult to overcome.  On this theme, the singing group which I attend (which incidentally covers two more of the 5 steps), is planning to sing at an open mic night, but I feel uncomfortable about doing it, because I might be seen. More stigma attached!!

My overall mood is definitely  improving.  I seem to be able to control my moods a little more and even the few extremes have been quickly reined in.  Mindfulness isn't happening on  formal basis, but I try to be mindful in certain circumstances like when I am out on my bike.  I try to think about the next spin of the pedals and the breath I am taking, rather than how far it is to go or how steep the hill is.

~

I learn with horror, that a Bangladeshi man was hacked to death today because he expressed his atheist views on a blog (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-32701001).  I feel lucky that I am in a position to write this blog without fear of such reprisal, but also feel saddened and helpless for those that don't have freedom of speech.

Mental Health Awareness Week

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week.  I would ask you to use this week to pay a little more attention to your mental health and that of your loved ones. Also use the opportunity to talk about it in the wider world, with friends, acquaintances, colleagues, indeed with anyone you can.  I think is an opportunity to talk about it, even if you aren't affected. Why not start a conversation with "Did you know its mental health awareness week?" Why should this be anymore difficult than asking someone if they know its Poppy Day or Red Nose Day?

I had some great retweets of my blog last night from Marcus Trescothick, the Cricketer and Rev.Richard Coles, former pop star and now broadcaster.  Richard Coles retweeted, despite the fact that I told him that it contained atheist views.  This leads me on thinking about how open minded I really am, would I be prepared to retweet some distinctly Christian views?   I don't really know, perhaps someone will test me.

The  medication seems to be working.  I have woken up feeling OK, not angry and not particularly low. I can't really put it down to anything else, as nothing has greatly changed and I haven't really done much mindfulness.  Mindfulness is one of those things I keep thinking I must get around to and it never really happens. I think its because I still feel slightly awkward about it.

Today promises to be a nice day.  Some of my cousins play in a brass band and we are going to watch them.  It is always good to see them, as we spent a lot of time together as kids, but now see less of each other.  The music will be a bonus.

There is, possibly, more stigma around taking medication than there is around the mental health problem itself.  I would like to say to people who feel inadequate because they need medication, that depression is an illness, chemicals in your brain are not doing what they should. Take the tablets, they will help, but also take the other advice to better mental health  (see link here). I would also add that it is most important not to be hard on yourself, don't be your own biggest critic.

I have some lovely comments since yesterday, really showing me that my blog is making a difference to people.  That has given me such a boost that I have got up feeling quite well this morning.  Thank you, you know who you are.

I would also like to bring people's attention to my wife and her achievements.  About  18 months ago she decided she wanted to take up running.  In that time she also has lost 4 stones (56lb, 25kg).  She completed 50 park runs in under a year and has cut her personal best by more that 7 minutes.  For this, and lots more, I want tell her how much I admire and love her.

Too many times in my life I have been told that I can't change the world, but I am going to keep on trying, because one day I just might.

Incidents yesterday have left me feeling very empty and angry again.  I wish that I had a greater resilience to life but I am not sure any amount of medicine will give me that.  

Writing this blog has consequences, mainly good and thought provoking I hope, but it doesn't seem to be entirely that way.  It feels like I am making a positive difference, due to the kind comments I have received, but there is hostility and this is making it difficult.  I am going to have to spend today thinking about whether it is worth continuing.

Work have continued to be kind to me, leaving me to get on with the task of getting better, a fact I really appreciate.


  

I had an interesting and helpful chat with my paramedic friend yesterday evening.  He brought up the subject of crying and the embarrassment men feel.  I cry, but only in private.  I am not sure why I don't cry in public, but it does make me feel uncomfortable to do so.  I guess its the stigma, but also it is not fair to force my feelings onto others.  However, if mental illness and how we felt was a general topic of conversation, then perhaps it would make everything easier. I do really feel that we need to be a listening society.  People just want to talk and not listen.

Onto a much lighter topic, Britain's Got Talent and similar programs.  Am I alone in wishing the camera would focus on the acts, rather than swinging around like an out of control baboon.  I know what Simon Cowell's botoxed face looks like and I don't want to see the eye rolling crowd.  I think I might like these programs if they concentrated on the skills of the performers.  I guess I am not their target audience but I am just saying!!

Previously, I have written about my triggers to depression being frustration and anger. I have gone straight to anger today, because of an article by a christian group who feel that homosexuality is a sin (see footnote). This has caused me to feel very low. Anger is not pleasant feeling and is really not helping anybody.  I just hope that, in some small way, my blog might sow some seeds, somewhere, that might contribute to the changing of these pernicious views.

I also feel guilty for feeling depressed and that really bothers me.  I have a good job, loving family, lots of friends, good physical health and enough of everything that I need, but still I feel awful.  The world's crises and other people's problems, just make it worse.  I know in my science mind that it is a medical issue, an imbalance in my brain, but it doesn't allow me to get rid of these feelings. Hopefully it will all settle down, as the medication really starts to take effect, but at the moment I am not hopeful.  This is the worst day I have had for a while.  I think I had better just have a lazy day tomorrow and see if I can settle myself.

____________________________

Footnote
This blog is really not the place to discuss religion in detail so I created a  new blog.  I will use this in future for any comments I have about religion, that are not directly relevant to this blog.

I didn't write anything yesterday and it felt quite odd.  This has now become a part of my life that means a lot to me.  It is a good way to express some of what I am feeling and also seems to help my mood.  I remain hopeful that it is helping others at the same time.

I am still working hard to resolve some of the more difficult issues that are troubling me and this is causing some variations in mood, but as I have said before, I really do need a firm foundation, before I get to the point, where I can really move on.

My mind now moves to going 'back to work'. The very thought makes me nervous.   I am signed off this week and see the doctor on Thursday. Fortunately I will have the chance to see my counsellor before.  I have also had some useful, online chats, with a chap who suffers from similar problems to me.  He's a paramedic in the North West of England and has been very supportive.   

It is nice that the family are having an extra day off.  They all seem to be making the most of it, though I should imagine my daughters are buried in their revision.  Its not often I am glad I don't live with them, but I would imagine it could be quite fraught at their house.  We are going out for tea later, to say thanks to our lodger who built a new fence for us yesterday.  He certainly is a good worker, that boy.  I also would like to bring attention to a friend of mine who informed me that she could 'hide a rabbit, a pair of doves and a massive bunch of flowers' in her backside.

I am really looking for some advice.  I thought I was on the mend yesterday morning but had a bit of a melt down in the afternoon.  I was warned that mindfulness might make things worse before they got better.  I am going to stick at it, but anybody else's experience would be appreciated.  

The highlight of the day so far was to watch the cycling world hour record get broken by Alex Dowsatt.  This is the blue riband event of cycling and now is set at just short of 53km (33 miles), an amazing achievement by anybody.  Alex Dowsatt is a haemophiliac and believed to be the world's only elite, non-paralympic athlete  with this condition.  What an inspiration.

I went out on my bike this morning and bumped into a friend/colleague.  It was great to see her and hear that school is still there.  I also went to the gym to work on my elusive six pack.  Too much flab covering it at the moment; chocolate is so nice.

And to finish for today, this will be my only sentence about the royal baby.

It is interesting to see how many people read my log if I advertise it. Yesterday, I reminded my Facebook friends of its existence, and a few others retweeted it for me.  That more than doubled the number of viewings to more than 200.   I have two questions on the back of this

   1) Is it worth reading and if not why not?

   2) If so, how do I keep people viewing?

Any thoughts about this please let me know.

My mood continues to improve, I feel almost "normal" but quite vulnerable.  I am going to try to avoid anything that might cause me issues, in the next few days, but I will have to face a few things next week.  So I guess then I will really see how I am.

Mindfulness continues to happen but it is so difficult to stay focused.  A very kind colleague of mine, is going to lend me a book to help with this. I will continue to try, as it does seem to get easier and better every time.  

I went swimming yesterday for the first time for a couple of years. I had forgotten how annoying other swimmers could be.  Either too fast and in the way, or too slow and in the way.  Life would be so easy if it weren't for other people!!!!  I also saw an advert for the Devon Air Ambulance One Mile Sea Swim yesterday.  That seems like a good target to aim for and is a good motivation.  Not too far but still a definite challenge.  I am not up to their 10km swim challenge, that seems a very long way.  

Today I am going to see my daughters for a for the first time in a while.  They are both on the middle of exam season so are working very hard.  It will be great to see them.