During the past few days I have been though an enormous low.  I think it because I am starting to sort the issues that have brought about this episode of depression, but this brings up all sorts of conflicts in my mind and in my relationships. There have been many discussions over the last few days and things certainly look better.  That feeling of hope has again returned. As I continue to work through issues,  I have to be very wary that I am not just looking for issues to moan about, but continue to resolve the real problems.

My GP has changed my medicine, based on the recommendation of the specialist.   I am now on venlafaxine which has a different mechanism  and apparently is a mood stabiliser rather than an antidepressant.  Fingers crossed that this will work as I really don't want to go so low as I have in the last few days.   I would appreciate hearing about any experiences people have had of this drug.

Anyway its  Father's day today and I am seeing my girls. That will be great.  They have finished their exams, so they are much more relaxed and have time to spare.  They are off to see Taylor Swift this week.  Younger daughter is a massive fan and it will be the 4th time she has seen her.

Something outside of me, pushing down and squashing my spirit.

Feeling bloody awful this morning.  I can't really say why.  There have been a few frustrations but generally everything has been good.  I can only really put it down to the illness,   It often feels like something outside of me, pushing down and squashing my spirit.  I know its an illness but at the moment I wish it would just f***off and leave me alone.

I have not had the appointment date to see the specialist yet.  I am holding onto that, possibly a bit too much, but the psychiatric nurse did seem confident that something could be done to stabilise my mood.  I must also get back to mindfulness, the nurse ensured me that it is effective against my type of depression.

So I am going to finish this and then follow the mindfulness app I have on my phone, sleep and then force myself out on my bike.  Hopefully this will restore some sense of well being.

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I can't really describe how much I have missed laughing.

I have a few days off from blogging, mainly because I didn't want to think too much about how I felt for a few days. So today I have decided that I need to spend some time reflecting.

I have been feeling much better, even close to 'normal'.  I am starting to look back at the last few months as somewhere that I was and am not now, but even writing this makes me feel nervous, as I am terrified of going there again.  'Tiny steps' must be my mantra.  Most importantly I am managing to find some humour in things and laugh.   I can't really describe how much I have missed laughing.

I had a great bike ride yesterday with a colleague, who has become a real friend, particularly since I have been ill.  I really value his kind and gentle support.  I am, of course, annoyed that he is faster than me, especially up hills, but we can't have everything.

A slight rebound of emotions today.  Felt tired and cross this morning but feel better now.  I still feel am immense sense of relief from yesterday.  Hopefully there will be this slow improvement that I am hoping for.  I must think of little steps.

My paramedic, twitter friend continues to be a source of support.  I have never actually met him but we chat most days and he certainly supports me.  I think he feels the same.  He points out things to me that people who don't suffer from depression would never understand.  More talking, less stigma is needed, as ever.

I am seeing my younger daughter in a minute.  She only has one more exam left and that is tomorrow.  I can't remember the sense of relief, its far too long ago for me, but I am quite sure she will enjoy every minute of it.  She has some great things to look forward to in the near future.  The older one still has a few left and doesn't finish until Tuesday.  Roll on then I say, they both deserve a rest.

I have had both my meetings and a huge weight has been lifted.  The work meeting went better than I could have dreamed of.  One of my managers now has a whole new level of respect from me.  This will make the return to work so much easier.  I am extremely thankful for this.

The hospital assessment was very useful, they are going to refer me to see a specialist and have suggested that I really get on with mindfulness, as it particularly useful in drug resistant cases like mine.  They are also going to refer me to the mood disorder centre in Exeter.

So for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful.  Hopeful that I can get through this, hopeful that this black cloud will lift fully and hopeful that I can have a productive, contented future.  Small steps are needed, but as I say I have hope.

So I have had a very difficult day.  The worries of the two meetings tomorrow have made things very difficult for me.  It feels as if  I have got  real mountain to climb tomorrow.  Lets just hope it isn't too difficult as I really can't face the thought of any more kicks in the teeth.

Well another mixed start to my feelings.  Its again is very sunny and inviting so I should be out there enjoying it but just going out of the door makes me nervous.  I am going to force myself to the gym. 

I have made my appointment with the specialist, except that I have to see a specialist nurse before I can be referred on.  This appointment is on Wednesday, in the town that I work in. This makes it a little more uncomfortable as I don't want to bump into the children I teach.  However it was either that appointment or having to wait another week to go somewhere else.  No real choice there.

I have just been told that I have to attend a meeting at school on Wednesday too.  At least I had to be there.  This, of course, is making me anxious.  I just hope the next couple of days pass very quickly.   I am either going to have to be busy or hope the medication knocks me out.

I just don't seem to be able to break this low feeling. It isn't anywhere near the rock bottom I was a few weeks ago but it isn't a nice place to be.   Its a beautiful day, just waiting to be enjoyed and I don't have the energy or desire.    It feels that I may never get better and this will be as good as it gets.  I really hope not because it isn't much fun and is a drain on me and everyone around me, especially my family.

My wife has gone to help some friends of ours as their boy has broken his arm and is in hospital. A real set back for him but I am sure he will bounce back very quickly as he has overcome worse problems before this.  He is a real star and it is a privilege to be part of that family's life.

I have received a letter from the Devon Referral Support Service.   The main body of the letter says:-

"You have recently been referred for a specialist 'MENTAL HEALTH- ADULTS OF ALL AGES' assessment.  This may or may not lead to you requiring a hospital appointment in the future.  Please contact the Devon Referral Support Services (DRSS) Booking Team on 01626 ******* and we can take you through the options available."

           

I have some issues with this letter:-

1)"we can take you through the options available."
 Is this going to mean a long series of questions over the phone that I need to answer in a certain way to get a referral?  When I went through the self referral service, as recommended by my GP, I wasn't thought to be ill enough, because of the answers I gave to a questionnaire.  This was only a few weeks before I went into this episode of depression, the worst of my life.

2) "may or may not lead to you requiring a hospital appointment in the future".
I thought I was just waiting on a date, after all my GP has referred me.

3) "specialist 'MENTAL HEALTH- ADULTS OF ALL AGES' assessment"
This is hospital speak which sounds officious and not welcoming.

It has caused my anxiety levels to rise, as I was just hoping for things to be simple and clear cut.  I don't feel a great deal of confidence in what awaits me, hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised.  At some point in the future, probably when I am a lot better, I will take this up with the service mangers.  

This might be the last blog I write for few days because I am hoping to go camping.  If the campsite has decent WiFi, I might be able to update it, but I rather think I am going to stay away from all social media while I am there.

Going camping is part of my attempt to reintegrate myself into life.  I am hoping that if I can socialise with strangers on the campsite, it might make going back to work slightly easier.  I have cut myself off from the outside world and I do need to get back to it.  I bumped into a colleague today and felt quite awkward, even though she was very kind and understanding.  As much as I say that I am not ashamed of my illness, I am concerned that a few people will be hostile to me.

The weather forecast is excellent for the next few days, so I am hoping to get some serious miles and hills done, on my bike.  I am still hoping to do the Nello bike ride in a few weeks.  To be honest, I am fit enough to do the distance, its again more about seeing people that concerns me. There will be lots of people from my school there and again it could be uncomfortable.  Also the youngsters have been training hard and I want to ride with them.

I am also hoping to do some reading when I am away.  I don't do much reading but do enjoy it when I have a good book.  I have got Ruby Wax's Sane New World which will be interesting, as it is about mindfulness, I also have a couple of novels and Bradley Wiggins' autobiography to read again.

9:00am
I managed to get up at a reasonable time, which is a good start to my hope for a more structured way of life.  I feel awake now, but I did go to bed very early and slept right through again.  I am just hoping that my appointment for the psychiatrist comes through soon and she can improve the medication, so that I can get on with my life.

8:00pm
I have had a very busy day.  I had a last minute call to help out my mum and my aunt.  It is the first time in ages that I feel I have been of benefit to anyone and it is a really satisfying feeling.  I also saw my daughters for tea.  They seem incredibly relaxed considering they are in the middle of exam season.  The only real issue today is that my mild wheat intolerance has come back.  I thought I had got over it, so I had  pasty for lunch.   Lets just say it isn't better and I had to leave the gym early.