It is ages since I wrote anything and its a real effort to write anything today. In actual fact it is a real effort to do anything, even going to the gym has become a bit of a chore. Hopefully this is a natural stage of my recovery.  My counsellor says I am exhausted emotionally and that I need to take this time to recover.  I just hope she is right, as this lack of motivation is not pleasant and isn't the real me. The Doctor has signed me off until the end of term which now gives me two months to get well enough to go back to teaching.

Generally things are getting much better.  My mood is more stable and my wife says she has seen the real me a few times recently.  That is nice to hear.  I am also expecting a phone call from the Exeter University Mood Disorder Centre today.  They are gong to assess me to see whether I would be suitable for their research programme which, as far as I understand, is about mindfulness and its effects on depression.

The tour de France starts on Saturday, that gives me three weeks of entertainment to look forward to.  It is the highlight of my TV watching year.  Lets just hope it isn't spoiled by cheats.

During the past few days I have been though an enormous low.  I think it because I am starting to sort the issues that have brought about this episode of depression, but this brings up all sorts of conflicts in my mind and in my relationships. There have been many discussions over the last few days and things certainly look better.  That feeling of hope has again returned. As I continue to work through issues,  I have to be very wary that I am not just looking for issues to moan about, but continue to resolve the real problems.

My GP has changed my medicine, based on the recommendation of the specialist.   I am now on venlafaxine which has a different mechanism  and apparently is a mood stabiliser rather than an antidepressant.  Fingers crossed that this will work as I really don't want to go so low as I have in the last few days.   I would appreciate hearing about any experiences people have had of this drug.

Anyway its  Father's day today and I am seeing my girls. That will be great.  They have finished their exams, so they are much more relaxed and have time to spare.  They are off to see Taylor Swift this week.  Younger daughter is a massive fan and it will be the 4th time she has seen her.

Something outside of me, pushing down and squashing my spirit.

Feeling bloody awful this morning.  I can't really say why.  There have been a few frustrations but generally everything has been good.  I can only really put it down to the illness,   It often feels like something outside of me, pushing down and squashing my spirit.  I know its an illness but at the moment I wish it would just f***off and leave me alone.

I have not had the appointment date to see the specialist yet.  I am holding onto that, possibly a bit too much, but the psychiatric nurse did seem confident that something could be done to stabilise my mood.  I must also get back to mindfulness, the nurse ensured me that it is effective against my type of depression.

So I am going to finish this and then follow the mindfulness app I have on my phone, sleep and then force myself out on my bike.  Hopefully this will restore some sense of well being.

.

I can't really describe how much I have missed laughing.

I have a few days off from blogging, mainly because I didn't want to think too much about how I felt for a few days. So today I have decided that I need to spend some time reflecting.

I have been feeling much better, even close to 'normal'.  I am starting to look back at the last few months as somewhere that I was and am not now, but even writing this makes me feel nervous, as I am terrified of going there again.  'Tiny steps' must be my mantra.  Most importantly I am managing to find some humour in things and laugh.   I can't really describe how much I have missed laughing.

I had a great bike ride yesterday with a colleague, who has become a real friend, particularly since I have been ill.  I really value his kind and gentle support.  I am, of course, annoyed that he is faster than me, especially up hills, but we can't have everything.

A slight rebound of emotions today.  Felt tired and cross this morning but feel better now.  I still feel am immense sense of relief from yesterday.  Hopefully there will be this slow improvement that I am hoping for.  I must think of little steps.

My paramedic, twitter friend continues to be a source of support.  I have never actually met him but we chat most days and he certainly supports me.  I think he feels the same.  He points out things to me that people who don't suffer from depression would never understand.  More talking, less stigma is needed, as ever.

I am seeing my younger daughter in a minute.  She only has one more exam left and that is tomorrow.  I can't remember the sense of relief, its far too long ago for me, but I am quite sure she will enjoy every minute of it.  She has some great things to look forward to in the near future.  The older one still has a few left and doesn't finish until Tuesday.  Roll on then I say, they both deserve a rest.

I have had both my meetings and a huge weight has been lifted.  The work meeting went better than I could have dreamed of.  One of my managers now has a whole new level of respect from me.  This will make the return to work so much easier.  I am extremely thankful for this.

The hospital assessment was very useful, they are going to refer me to see a specialist and have suggested that I really get on with mindfulness, as it particularly useful in drug resistant cases like mine.  They are also going to refer me to the mood disorder centre in Exeter.

So for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful.  Hopeful that I can get through this, hopeful that this black cloud will lift fully and hopeful that I can have a productive, contented future.  Small steps are needed, but as I say I have hope.

So I have had a very difficult day.  The worries of the two meetings tomorrow have made things very difficult for me.  It feels as if  I have got  real mountain to climb tomorrow.  Lets just hope it isn't too difficult as I really can't face the thought of any more kicks in the teeth.

Well another mixed start to my feelings.  Its again is very sunny and inviting so I should be out there enjoying it but just going out of the door makes me nervous.  I am going to force myself to the gym. 

I have made my appointment with the specialist, except that I have to see a specialist nurse before I can be referred on.  This appointment is on Wednesday, in the town that I work in. This makes it a little more uncomfortable as I don't want to bump into the children I teach.  However it was either that appointment or having to wait another week to go somewhere else.  No real choice there.

I have just been told that I have to attend a meeting at school on Wednesday too.  At least I had to be there.  This, of course, is making me anxious.  I just hope the next couple of days pass very quickly.   I am either going to have to be busy or hope the medication knocks me out.

I just don't seem to be able to break this low feeling. It isn't anywhere near the rock bottom I was a few weeks ago but it isn't a nice place to be.   Its a beautiful day, just waiting to be enjoyed and I don't have the energy or desire.    It feels that I may never get better and this will be as good as it gets.  I really hope not because it isn't much fun and is a drain on me and everyone around me, especially my family.

My wife has gone to help some friends of ours as their boy has broken his arm and is in hospital. A real set back for him but I am sure he will bounce back very quickly as he has overcome worse problems before this.  He is a real star and it is a privilege to be part of that family's life.

I have received a letter from the Devon Referral Support Service.   The main body of the letter says:-

"You have recently been referred for a specialist 'MENTAL HEALTH- ADULTS OF ALL AGES' assessment.  This may or may not lead to you requiring a hospital appointment in the future.  Please contact the Devon Referral Support Services (DRSS) Booking Team on 01626 ******* and we can take you through the options available."

           

I have some issues with this letter:-

1)"we can take you through the options available."
 Is this going to mean a long series of questions over the phone that I need to answer in a certain way to get a referral?  When I went through the self referral service, as recommended by my GP, I wasn't thought to be ill enough, because of the answers I gave to a questionnaire.  This was only a few weeks before I went into this episode of depression, the worst of my life.

2) "may or may not lead to you requiring a hospital appointment in the future".
I thought I was just waiting on a date, after all my GP has referred me.

3) "specialist 'MENTAL HEALTH- ADULTS OF ALL AGES' assessment"
This is hospital speak which sounds officious and not welcoming.

It has caused my anxiety levels to rise, as I was just hoping for things to be simple and clear cut.  I don't feel a great deal of confidence in what awaits me, hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised.  At some point in the future, probably when I am a lot better, I will take this up with the service mangers.  

This might be the last blog I write for few days because I am hoping to go camping.  If the campsite has decent WiFi, I might be able to update it, but I rather think I am going to stay away from all social media while I am there.

Going camping is part of my attempt to reintegrate myself into life.  I am hoping that if I can socialise with strangers on the campsite, it might make going back to work slightly easier.  I have cut myself off from the outside world and I do need to get back to it.  I bumped into a colleague today and felt quite awkward, even though she was very kind and understanding.  As much as I say that I am not ashamed of my illness, I am concerned that a few people will be hostile to me.

The weather forecast is excellent for the next few days, so I am hoping to get some serious miles and hills done, on my bike.  I am still hoping to do the Nello bike ride in a few weeks.  To be honest, I am fit enough to do the distance, its again more about seeing people that concerns me. There will be lots of people from my school there and again it could be uncomfortable.  Also the youngsters have been training hard and I want to ride with them.

I am also hoping to do some reading when I am away.  I don't do much reading but do enjoy it when I have a good book.  I have got Ruby Wax's Sane New World which will be interesting, as it is about mindfulness, I also have a couple of novels and Bradley Wiggins' autobiography to read again.

9:00am
I managed to get up at a reasonable time, which is a good start to my hope for a more structured way of life.  I feel awake now, but I did go to bed very early and slept right through again.  I am just hoping that my appointment for the psychiatrist comes through soon and she can improve the medication, so that I can get on with my life.

8:00pm
I have had a very busy day.  I had a last minute call to help out my mum and my aunt.  It is the first time in ages that I feel I have been of benefit to anyone and it is a really satisfying feeling.  I also saw my daughters for tea.  They seem incredibly relaxed considering they are in the middle of exam season.  The only real issue today is that my mild wheat intolerance has come back.  I thought I had got over it, so I had  pasty for lunch.   Lets just say it isn't better and I had to leave the gym early.

I wrote on Friday that I was going to try to be strong because of a family crisis.  Well I failed miserably. It is just good that my wife is so strong to support me.  Hopefully, when I get better, I will be able to support her more, she deserves it.

I am sleeping too much.  I went to bed at 7 last night, went straight to sleep and didn't wake up until 9 this morning.  It must be the medication having some effect, although I always sleep a lot, even when I am well.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to try keep a more regular, routine day.  Get up on time and keep as busy as I can.  I really would like to go back to work before the end of term but it would be a lot harder if I don't have routine in my life.

Life really does drop some enormous bombs sometimes and we have had one today.  Nothing life threatening, but enough to cause the family some serious hassle. Sorry if you are reading this and wondering what it is, but some things I cannot share on a blog that is open for all to read.

Luckily I seem to be in a more resilient state of mind and it isn't effecting me too much yet. Sometimes these things have a delayed effect on me and it takes a couple of days but I need to be strong to support my wife through this.  When I am depressed, I find it very difficult to be anything but selfish, but really I must make an effort to look beyond myself, especially over the next few days.

I have had a lovely morning out with a old friend of mine who I used to work with.  He is a great chap and kindly listened to everything I had to say, despite the fact it was all moans and groans.  I say thank you to him and look forward to seeing him in the summer.

I am feeling somewhat better today even though I didn't really sleep very well last night.  The medication seems to be improving my mood but affecting my sleep patterns.  Hopefully the sleep will settle down because the mood improvements are really giving me some optimism.  Little steps are important here because I am scared of going back to where I was at the weekend. I remain vulnerable.

I see some of my friends have been doing some very long bike rides getting ready for the Nello, 100 mile ride at the end of June.  It makes me feel that I need to some longer rides so that I have any chance of keeping up with them on the day.  Trouble is I am putting on weight, partly due to the fact that I have been doing a lot of weight training recently, partly due to the medication but mainly because I keep eating chocolate. I should be OK on the flat, because I am quite fit, but it will be difficult dragging my bulk up all of the hills. 

I am struggling to find anything positive to write at the moment.  Every thing seems to be difficult, including getting out of bed and going out of the house.  I was supposed to go cycling with friends today, but couldn't face seeing too many people, so I didn't go.  The problem is, that I can't see how it is going to get better. Hopefully the psychiatrist will help as she might be more able to improve my medication.

And as ever, when I feel like this, my mind turns towards religion.  I always wonder why nothing comes along to make me feel better.  I know my suffering is much less than others in the world but why should people suffer?  I have read some of the arguments for human suffering but they really don't make sense to me. 

As far as I can see, it all comes back to faith being the most important thing.  Why does it have to be faith and not real evidence?   The answer to this is that there is no strong evidence in anything supernatural, so it has to rely on belief and faith.  Why would any god do that to us?  What is so special about just believing in something?  

Footnote

People will obviously think that my mind turns to religion at times of crisis because it is some sort of truth. I think it is because of my up bringing and the indelible mark it has made on me.  For example, if from a very young age I was told that the sun was a god I would still feel uneasy during eclipses, fearing I might have upset it.  I was told at an early age that god was the answer to everything, it is hard to shake off that hope.

Yesterday I thought I couldn't feel any worse, but today I do, much worse. This is just such a such a horrid illness it is taking everything I am and destroying it.

When I started to write this blog I thought I should write it no matter how I felt, as it would be a good record for the future but today I am not sure.  I guess I am going to write and put it online more as cry for help more than anything.  It is destroying me and  even worse it is taking my family relationships with it.

It has been a really difficult couple of days.  I have had a series of knocks that have left me feeling rock bottom.  I now have started to doubt everything about myself.  The foundations on which I build my life seem shaky at the moment.   I really don't know where to go from here and am now really scared of the future.

I saw my Doctor yesterday and he was his usual fantastic self.  He has referred me to a psychiatrist because I am not making the improvements he would have hoped.  I just hope they can work some sort of miracle because surely life can be better than this.

Yesterday we celebrated my wife's birthday.  It was great, especially  because her three boys (my step sons), our lodger and their partners came to tea.  So a pleasant time was had by all.  It is good to see all the boys making their own way in the world and to see them so resilient to the 'school of hard knocks' that they have had along the way.  I look at them and have absolutely no wish to be their age again, unless I could be there with my 48 year old head on my shoulders.  I am sure the pressures they are under, are far greater than they were when I was a teenager and in my early twenties.

Sleep continues to be an issue for me,  I am either sleeping too much or too little. It make a normal life very difficult and is making any thoughts, of a return to work, impossible.  I am seeing my Doctor tomorrow and I am going to have to discuss this with him particularly in terms of my medication and to see what can be done.

I am off to see my counselor again this morning which continues to be helpful, if nothing else it is good just to be able to talk without fear of interruption.  She does also nudge me in the right direction and builds my self confidence.

I have written before about my older daughter and how she has grown into a brilliant young woman. I am going to write about the younger one today.

She is currently 16 and in the middle of her GCSE exams.  Well that poor kid has not only had the worry of all her sister's illnesses and my depression, but she has also had to watch some of her friends suffer horribly with eating disorders.

Her reactions to all of this has been inspirational.  Even as a young child, she dealt with all her sister's hospital visits with no fuss, never being jealous of the all the attention she missed out on. She has also given me wise advice during my illness, showing a maturity well beyond her years. She has stayed strong during her friends' illnesses and has been prepared to go to extraordinary lengths to support them.

To say I was proud of her doesn't really do it justice, it is more like I am in awe of her, she really is special.

I am increasingly becoming concerned that this medication (Mirtazapine) isn't really suiting me. It is making me feel constantly lethargic, quite dizzy, I am eating non stop and putting on weight. I am seeing the doctor on Friday and will ask him whether it would be good to change it back to the fluoxetine.

My mood is still quite low, partly because I am now starting to doubt I will be ready for work, even after half term. I am OK at home but I really need to get my life back to normal.  As I have said previously, I am looking forward to going back to teaching but I have to be 100%.   

I am however looking to the future, I am  looking at things to fill the gaps in my life.  I have emailed a couple of organisations where I might be able to use my experiences of depression to benefit others.  Watch this space for more details. 

So how my mood changes.  I felt alright most of yesterday, had one minor upset whilst in town and ended up, in tears, at my in-laws house.  That is the problem with this condition, it effects everyone around me.  They were all very kind, but I really need to sort this out.

Yesterday I wrote:-
My single biggest fear is living the rest of my life in abject mediocrity.  I want to make a difference.

Many kind people have made comments on my Facebook page, saying that I do make a difference, but somehow it is not enough.  One comment yesterday really summed up how I feel:-
Reading between the lines of your blog tells me you may need to change direction. What makes your heart beat faster?

I love teaching and really am looking forward to getting back to it, but I have allowed myself to become overburdened with the bureaucracy of it all. I have a real passion for teaching science, but have let all the strategies and policies get in the way of that.  That is going to change.

But I need still need more.  One idea I have is to become a champion for mental health in schools and in the wider world.  Hopefully this blog is the start of that but any suggestions of things I could do, would be gratefully received.   

My single biggest fear is living the rest of my life in abject mediocrity.  I want to make a difference.

I didn't write anything yesterday because I went on a long bike ride.   Exercise is one of the 5 steps to better mental health, but that didn't stop me feeling that I should be at work .   What a ridiculous position to be in, to be told that I should exercise, but then to feel guilty about it.   The stigma around mental health is so difficult to overcome.  On this theme, the singing group which I attend (which incidentally covers two more of the 5 steps), is planning to sing at an open mic night, but I feel uncomfortable about doing it, because I might be seen. More stigma attached!!

My overall mood is definitely  improving.  I seem to be able to control my moods a little more and even the few extremes have been quickly reined in.  Mindfulness isn't happening on  formal basis, but I try to be mindful in certain circumstances like when I am out on my bike.  I try to think about the next spin of the pedals and the breath I am taking, rather than how far it is to go or how steep the hill is.

~

I learn with horror, that a Bangladeshi man was hacked to death today because he expressed his atheist views on a blog (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-32701001).  I feel lucky that I am in a position to write this blog without fear of such reprisal, but also feel saddened and helpless for those that don't have freedom of speech.

Mental Health Awareness Week

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week.  I would ask you to use this week to pay a little more attention to your mental health and that of your loved ones. Also use the opportunity to talk about it in the wider world, with friends, acquaintances, colleagues, indeed with anyone you can.  I think is an opportunity to talk about it, even if you aren't affected. Why not start a conversation with "Did you know its mental health awareness week?" Why should this be anymore difficult than asking someone if they know its Poppy Day or Red Nose Day?

I had some great retweets of my blog last night from Marcus Trescothick, the Cricketer and Rev.Richard Coles, former pop star and now broadcaster.  Richard Coles retweeted, despite the fact that I told him that it contained atheist views.  This leads me on thinking about how open minded I really am, would I be prepared to retweet some distinctly Christian views?   I don't really know, perhaps someone will test me.

The  medication seems to be working.  I have woken up feeling OK, not angry and not particularly low. I can't really put it down to anything else, as nothing has greatly changed and I haven't really done much mindfulness.  Mindfulness is one of those things I keep thinking I must get around to and it never really happens. I think its because I still feel slightly awkward about it.

Today promises to be a nice day.  Some of my cousins play in a brass band and we are going to watch them.  It is always good to see them, as we spent a lot of time together as kids, but now see less of each other.  The music will be a bonus.

There is, possibly, more stigma around taking medication than there is around the mental health problem itself.  I would like to say to people who feel inadequate because they need medication, that depression is an illness, chemicals in your brain are not doing what they should. Take the tablets, they will help, but also take the other advice to better mental health  (see link here). I would also add that it is most important not to be hard on yourself, don't be your own biggest critic.

I have some lovely comments since yesterday, really showing me that my blog is making a difference to people.  That has given me such a boost that I have got up feeling quite well this morning.  Thank you, you know who you are.

I would also like to bring people's attention to my wife and her achievements.  About  18 months ago she decided she wanted to take up running.  In that time she also has lost 4 stones (56lb, 25kg).  She completed 50 park runs in under a year and has cut her personal best by more that 7 minutes.  For this, and lots more, I want tell her how much I admire and love her.

Too many times in my life I have been told that I can't change the world, but I am going to keep on trying, because one day I just might.

Incidents yesterday have left me feeling very empty and angry again.  I wish that I had a greater resilience to life but I am not sure any amount of medicine will give me that.  

Writing this blog has consequences, mainly good and thought provoking I hope, but it doesn't seem to be entirely that way.  It feels like I am making a positive difference, due to the kind comments I have received, but there is hostility and this is making it difficult.  I am going to have to spend today thinking about whether it is worth continuing.

Work have continued to be kind to me, leaving me to get on with the task of getting better, a fact I really appreciate.


  

I had an interesting and helpful chat with my paramedic friend yesterday evening.  He brought up the subject of crying and the embarrassment men feel.  I cry, but only in private.  I am not sure why I don't cry in public, but it does make me feel uncomfortable to do so.  I guess its the stigma, but also it is not fair to force my feelings onto others.  However, if mental illness and how we felt was a general topic of conversation, then perhaps it would make everything easier. I do really feel that we need to be a listening society.  People just want to talk and not listen.

Onto a much lighter topic, Britain's Got Talent and similar programs.  Am I alone in wishing the camera would focus on the acts, rather than swinging around like an out of control baboon.  I know what Simon Cowell's botoxed face looks like and I don't want to see the eye rolling crowd.  I think I might like these programs if they concentrated on the skills of the performers.  I guess I am not their target audience but I am just saying!!

Previously, I have written about my triggers to depression being frustration and anger. I have gone straight to anger today, because of an article by a christian group who feel that homosexuality is a sin (see footnote). This has caused me to feel very low. Anger is not pleasant feeling and is really not helping anybody.  I just hope that, in some small way, my blog might sow some seeds, somewhere, that might contribute to the changing of these pernicious views.

I also feel guilty for feeling depressed and that really bothers me.  I have a good job, loving family, lots of friends, good physical health and enough of everything that I need, but still I feel awful.  The world's crises and other people's problems, just make it worse.  I know in my science mind that it is a medical issue, an imbalance in my brain, but it doesn't allow me to get rid of these feelings. Hopefully it will all settle down, as the medication really starts to take effect, but at the moment I am not hopeful.  This is the worst day I have had for a while.  I think I had better just have a lazy day tomorrow and see if I can settle myself.

____________________________

Footnote
This blog is really not the place to discuss religion in detail so I created a  new blog.  I will use this in future for any comments I have about religion, that are not directly relevant to this blog.

I didn't write anything yesterday and it felt quite odd.  This has now become a part of my life that means a lot to me.  It is a good way to express some of what I am feeling and also seems to help my mood.  I remain hopeful that it is helping others at the same time.

I am still working hard to resolve some of the more difficult issues that are troubling me and this is causing some variations in mood, but as I have said before, I really do need a firm foundation, before I get to the point, where I can really move on.

My mind now moves to going 'back to work'. The very thought makes me nervous.   I am signed off this week and see the doctor on Thursday. Fortunately I will have the chance to see my counsellor before.  I have also had some useful, online chats, with a chap who suffers from similar problems to me.  He's a paramedic in the North West of England and has been very supportive.   

It is nice that the family are having an extra day off.  They all seem to be making the most of it, though I should imagine my daughters are buried in their revision.  Its not often I am glad I don't live with them, but I would imagine it could be quite fraught at their house.  We are going out for tea later, to say thanks to our lodger who built a new fence for us yesterday.  He certainly is a good worker, that boy.  I also would like to bring attention to a friend of mine who informed me that she could 'hide a rabbit, a pair of doves and a massive bunch of flowers' in her backside.

I am really looking for some advice.  I thought I was on the mend yesterday morning but had a bit of a melt down in the afternoon.  I was warned that mindfulness might make things worse before they got better.  I am going to stick at it, but anybody else's experience would be appreciated.  

The highlight of the day so far was to watch the cycling world hour record get broken by Alex Dowsatt.  This is the blue riband event of cycling and now is set at just short of 53km (33 miles), an amazing achievement by anybody.  Alex Dowsatt is a haemophiliac and believed to be the world's only elite, non-paralympic athlete  with this condition.  What an inspiration.

I went out on my bike this morning and bumped into a friend/colleague.  It was great to see her and hear that school is still there.  I also went to the gym to work on my elusive six pack.  Too much flab covering it at the moment; chocolate is so nice.

And to finish for today, this will be my only sentence about the royal baby.

It is interesting to see how many people read my log if I advertise it. Yesterday, I reminded my Facebook friends of its existence, and a few others retweeted it for me.  That more than doubled the number of viewings to more than 200.   I have two questions on the back of this

   1) Is it worth reading and if not why not?

   2) If so, how do I keep people viewing?

Any thoughts about this please let me know.

My mood continues to improve, I feel almost "normal" but quite vulnerable.  I am going to try to avoid anything that might cause me issues, in the next few days, but I will have to face a few things next week.  So I guess then I will really see how I am.

Mindfulness continues to happen but it is so difficult to stay focused.  A very kind colleague of mine, is going to lend me a book to help with this. I will continue to try, as it does seem to get easier and better every time.  

I went swimming yesterday for the first time for a couple of years. I had forgotten how annoying other swimmers could be.  Either too fast and in the way, or too slow and in the way.  Life would be so easy if it weren't for other people!!!!  I also saw an advert for the Devon Air Ambulance One Mile Sea Swim yesterday.  That seems like a good target to aim for and is a good motivation.  Not too far but still a definite challenge.  I am not up to their 10km swim challenge, that seems a very long way.  

Today I am going to see my daughters for a for the first time in a while.  They are both on the middle of exam season so are working very hard.  It will be great to see them.

A typical attempt at mindfulness meditation following an app, which I have on my phone, goes like this:-

App Take a comfy seat!
Me   Ok, good start I can do that.

App Sit upright!
Me   Done.

App Breathe!
Me   No problems.

App Be dignified and confident!
Me   Trying, but I probably look a total idiot,  hope nobody is around.

App Noticing where the hands rest!
Me   Now where are they?  O embarrassing, now I really hope no-one is around.

App Now just be who you are!
Me   ??

App Live in the moment!
Me   I wonder what is going on outside....No, back to living in the moment.

App Centre on your pelvis!
Me   Oo-er, rude missus...No, back to just being in myself.

And this goes on for three minutes until the app says I can stop.  Typically, I do go through it at least three times and it seems to get better as I go along.  I must also say that I often do feel more relaxed after I have finished doing it, so I must stick at it.  Practice makes perfect they say.

First the good news, I managed to beat the instructor's time in the rowing challenge by about 2 seconds.  The bad news was that the challenge ran out on Sunday and not today like I thought. So officially he is faster but I reckon I have some bragging rights.  Mind you I nearly fell off the machine at the end.  I reckon I am getting too old for this type of thing.

My mood seem to be improving despite some real knock backs yesterday.  I am hoping this new medication is really starting to take full effect now.  I am going to write this and then have a go at a mindfulness session.  I am nervous because I have been told it can make things worse before they make them better, but I really need to get a firm foundation in place before I try to move on.  If mindfulness is effective, as my very limited reading of the literature seems to suggest (links below), I would be foolish to not give it a good go.

I went singing again last night and really enjoyed it.  I guess I will have to start practicing a bit more at home.  Should be funny.  Might be safer to leave it for the car.  The trouble is without the words in front of me I might start "Collarding" as it has been called.  Collarding is the act of singing the wrong words to a vaguley correct tune.

Onward and hopefully upwards, lets hope for a stress free day.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/improve-mental-wellbeing.aspx
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/78/2/169/
http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/emo/10/1/12/
http://pps.sagepub.com/content/6/6/537.short

I  have decided that I must write lists.  It is far too easy to just play on the computer and sleep, its time to get myself in order, especially if I want to go back to work soon.  I hope this shows some signs of recovery.  So I have written a list of jobs to get done and already ticked one off, which feels good.  Am I allowed to sleep now?

I am continuing in my quest to publicise this blog.  I have tweeted several famous people (not sure why they are called celebrities) and seem to be getting interest from one.  Hopefully I will have news later on today. I have also tweeted Robbie Williams, I don't imagine he will even see it, but its worth a try.

Stephen Fry is also someone who would be fantastic to retweet my blog but he is off twitter at the moment.  I have so much respect for that man.  He is often said to be a 'national institution' and he is gay.  Does that mean  that homosexuality is no longer a stigma? I do sense a change in mood. Using the word "gay" as a derogatory term seems to have almost died out.  Single sex marriage seems to be largely accepted.  Has our society has moved  on enough, to ignore the idiots (while still giving them their free speech)?  I am not sure, but I really hope so.  I have a very similar opinion of Clare Balding btw.

Right the gym rowing challenge ends tomorrow so I must go and beat that instructor.  Then it will be time for lunch and to tick more things off of the lists.

  

This is the most difficult time I have had writing this blog, as the words really aren't flowing today. My brain is full to overflowing point and, having taken the increased dose of medication, I have been rather sleepy today.

I have considered many topics to discuss today but these would all lead to a rant by me that really isn't the purpose of this blog. I have written so many drafts of it today that I am completely exhausted.  It seems the blog is having many effects, some positive and unfortunately a few negative. This was always the risk when I started this.  I do have to remind myself why I am writing it in the first place and that is to have an outlet for how I am feeling and to hopefully help someone else who may be in a similar position.  

I am also seeking some answers.  It might seem quite flippant to some but the question that is really bothering me today is why do people still believe in any type of god, when things like the Nepalese disaster happen?  I have written this question previously on Facebook and never really received a satisfactory answer.  So if anyone could enlighten me I would be grateful.

Anyway this has taken me near enough two hours to write.  It has been one massive edit after another.

So here I am sat in a nice warm and cosy house, rather than freezing up on Dartmoor. I woke up this morning, feeling quite anxious and nervous, looked at the weather and thought 'stuff it'. I have however cycled about 40 miles over Exmoor. I am going to stay at my mum's house instead and cycle home tomorrow.

Cycling gives you plenty of time for thinking.  I am not quite sure this is a good thing at the moment but the cycling is beneficial, as when I am tired I sleep much better. I am however going to give mindlefullness meditation another go this week as I have been assured that it does help and there is some good science behind it (a scientist to the core).   Any good YouTube videos recommendations would be welcomed. 

I do feel that I might be on the mend as my emotions aren't so erratic. I am going to increase my medication tonight as the doctor suggested. I just hope that they will stabilise at a higher level than they are at currently. 

I had some lovely feedback from a very lovely lady we know through the bmx club.   She has encouraged me to keep on blogging as she has found it useful for her family.  She has shared it with her children and to help them understand the condition.   This remains myy hope for this blog.

So its the 25^th of April, my birthday. I have never felt less like having a birthday, than I do today. We have gone away for a night in the camper van, to beautiful Woolacombe in North Devon. This is lovely, although my mood remains low. I am really hoping its the medication. I am now off of my old medication fully and taking some new. I have got to increase the dose later in the week. The doctor signed me off work for two weeks but I am really hoping to be able to go back after this, as it will get harder and harder to do so. The problem with teaching is you have to be at full strength because there are absolutely no hiding places in the classroom.

Tomorrow I am hoping to cycle down to Dartmoor and wild camp for a night Then cycle home on Monday. Its about 100miles altogether but does involve going over Exmoor and Dartmoor, so there's a good chance I will get the train home from Exeter on Monday. It will be a good warm up for France.

I will keep this blog very short today as it is very slow to load through Devon's Mobile phone system. Please keep reading and please post some comments.

Lots of have people have made comments on my blog, some in the comments section, some on Facebook and some in person.  Most people have suggested that it is a brave or courageous thing to do. This is strange to me, as it feels perfectly natural. 

This leads me to ponder why talking about mental illness is such a stigma.  The campaign 'Time to Change' has been set up by mental health charities, to encourage people to talk about mental health issues.  It is an excellent place to go for help.  They have a section where people can pledge to end the stigma.  I can't help noticing that there are far more women than men.

The article by Ally Fogg, printed in the guardian last year, (Britain's male suicide rate is a national tragedy), shows that male suicide numbers have increased since the 1980s whereas female  numbers have gone down. He puts the cause down to:-

'the insidious influence of macho conditioning that beseeches to "man up" and demands that "boys don't cry" on pain of mockery and humiliation.'.

'You've got it easy, some people are really suffering' , 'snapout of it' , "what have you got to be sad about?", all statements I am sure depressed people have heard at some time in their lives. If we bloody well could, we would.  I have hardly been out of the house for the last two days,  am nervous about seeing my doctor this evening and I feel really guilty about the students I am supposed to teach. Who really thinks I would not just get better, if I could?  So lets talk, talk to everyone and anyone about any mental health issues.  I am fortunate that I can, but others need encouragement.  Is there someone in your life that would benefit from talking? Give them that chance, but advice would be best coming from a professional like a GP or a counsellor.  If the situation is severe don't hesitate to contact the emergency services or Samaritans.

On to lighter things.  I am trying to get this blog 'out there' so I have been tweeting celebraties, with an interest in mental health issues to ask them to share my blog.  Amazingly, Beverly Callard did yesterday, she even replied to me with a couple of x's.  I am still blushing from this but please don't tell my wife.

Life sure has its ups and downs.  I haven't yet left the house today and have gone through a wide spectrum of emotions.   I woke up feeling OK, thought about about what to do for the day and found myself feeling hopeless.  This is because I don't feel I have anything really exciting to  look forward to in the near future.  This I find very difficult and it compounds my feeling of having no idea what to do next.

My wife has been brilliant but my constant bad mood and moaning is starting to get to her now. The problem we have is that she is really a home bird and doesn't have to many ambitions to travel, whereas I do. She has said I can do what I want, when I want, but I guess I have been to scared to take her up on that.   So I think I am going to go to France at half term. 

A few years ago my youngest step son went on a French exchange and we have kept in touch with his family since.  They have been asking when we are going to go to France, so I have asked them if I could see them during that time.  If it all works out, I will get the ferry to Cherbourg on Monday, cycle the 150 miles to their home town over the week, (hopefully via the Bayeux tapestry) and then see them on the weekend, before I come back on the Sunday.  This has made my mood much better. I have cycled in France before and had a great time, but this time I am going to take an airbed as it is much more comfy than a carry mat.

So since I have started writing this I have had a Facebook chat with our French friends and it looks as though they are OK to have me for the day and night over half-term.  This has given me a real lift. So now to book the ferries.

I have woken up today feeling very anxious and nervous but am not entirely sure why.  I think its because I am scared of the future.  When I go back to work, nothing will have changed, all the issues in my life will be the same.  Yes I am starting to do new things and these are a distraction but they aren't addressing the fundamental causes of my depression.

Onset of my depression often goes through the following stages:-

1. Frustration with aspects of my life that I have no control over.  
2. Anger because of my frustration.
3. Finally depression

This is certainly true for this episode of my depression but I have also lost confidence in myself.  I have always had faith in my judgement in the past, never being afraid to say "I don't know".  This sounds very arrogant and I guess it is, but is has sustained me through many situations that might have frustrated me.  This lack of self confidence is really troubling me as I don't know how to get it back.

One of the biggest causes of my frustration in the past has been the medical treatment of my older daughter.  She was born lymphodema.  Many people get in it later life or after surgery,  but to be born with it is very rare.  Her mother first noticed it at a few weeks old but it subsequently took several years to get a proper diagnosis. Her prognosis was poor, in fact the literature said that not many survive though infancy. The condition effects her lungs and the left side of her body. Her left leg and arm are swollen due to the lymph not draining properly.  This was made worse by the lack of treatment. Since those early years and a move to a different area, she has received much better treatment, especially for the lymphodema in her leg.  We have also found an excellent shop in Exeter that tailor makes her shoes. She is now 18, has a boyfriend (!!), is doing A levels after getting fantastic GCSEs, has been a member of the UK youth parliament and won a "pride of somerset" award. She is hoping to get into medical school in 2016 as she wants to be a GP. She is a real inspiration to me and many others.  In fact, it is her that has inspired me to start this blog.

So now on with the rest of the day.  I am finding writing this very helpful and cathartic.  I certainly feel better than I did when I started about an hour ago.  The blog seems to be getting out there terms of page views.  This was greatly helped by the fact that the cyclist Graeme Obree retweeted the link for me.  He has had an amazing life with massive including breaking the world hour record twice but he too has suffered with mental health issues.  I urge you to read his life story "The Flying Scotsman" or see the film based on the book.  Another inspiration in my life.

Day three of my blog.  I have managed to publicise it a bit more, to people outside of my circle of friends.  I have just started using Twitter (@notSoFatButBald)and several people have kindly retweeted the blog's web address. I have also pledged to speak out about my illness on the Time to Change website.

A very good friend of mine commented on Facebook about prayer and how I would rather people not bother with it.  She made a set of lovely comments.  I have taken a quote from it:-

"I guess that's a nice thing cse those that pray see it as a very special respectful thoughtful caring act".

I can't disagree with that in many cases, but I do see prayer as an easy way out for some, as "I have done my bit, now its over to god".  I feel that many people use prayer as a way to make themselves feel better, without actually doing anything.

It might seem to people that I am a little hung up over religion/prayer and I guess, in all honesty, I am. I come from a very christian background and because of my atheism, I often feel quite cut off. My family love me beyond any measure, I am sure of that.  They have always been there for me but there is always a divide because of my lack of faith.  I am really not sure how, or even if, this can ever be overcome.  Any advice here would be welcomed, but please move beyond the "open your mind/heart and let god in" type scenario as it really doesn't work for me. More useful would be advice/experiences from people in a similar positions.

I am starting to implement the strategies my counsellor has suggested and so I am going to a singing group tonight.  It will be the second time and I feel even more nervous than last week.  It was fun last time and I didn't cause any permanent injury to anyone, which is a vast improvement from when I used to go country dancing.  The weather is still lovely but I haven't taken full advantage of this.  I must do so tomorrow.  One other thing that is really motivating me at the moment is a rowing machine challenge at the gym.  I am currently 2nd in the standings, being beaten by one of the instructors.  I reckon I can beat him but probably won't be able to walk for a week afterwards.

Anyway, if you are reading this and feel moved to do so, please make some comments below.   It is a great boost to me to know that people are finding this blog useful.

Well that was an overwhelming response to my first blog.  Hundreds of page views and lots of supportive feedback. It has also surprised me that so many people relate to things in it in very different ways, from very different circumstances. It has given me a focus for the moment but I am unsure where to go with it now.  Suggestions would be welcome.

Surprisingly no-one has offered to pray for me, a fact I am glad about because as an atheist it really doesn't help.  I would prefer people shared the blog and talk about it, rather than waste time praying. From a selfish point of view it would make me feel better if I thought it was helping others.

A few people have focused their comments (mainly through Facebook) around teaching.  Although I do feel somewhat disenchanted with teaching at the moment, one particular comment I had from a parent of a child I used to teach, has given me a real boost and reminded me what teaching is about. It isn't about statistics and league tables, it is about children and young adults.  If I feel nothing is ever good enough, how do they feel?  The results of such pressure on some of our young people is catastrophic, as I have seen at first hand in my family. My school has a good view on the bigger picture but its hands are tied by the "results at all costs" culture that successive governments have forced upon us.  Industry has a concept of "fit for purpose", why doesn't the education system?  Why is "good" not good enough?

Anyway onwards and upwards I hope. I am seeing my counsellor later on today and hoping she will continue to help move towards the future with some sort of vision of what to do next.  All I know currently is that I am really enjoying doing this blog and as I said it has given me a focus and some sort of peace at the moment.  

So here I am two years off fifty and wondering where I am going next. Mid-life crisis I guess, but is it like this for everyone? My 5 offspring and step-offspring are all grown up and not really needing me much now. They have been my focus for so long I have forgotten what it is like to be anything but a Dad. Yes I am a man with the empty nest feeling, the “what do I do next?” question.

How do I react, well, my version of Churchill's black dog bites me. Except it doesn't just bite me, it nips at the heels of all of my family, more like a pack than a single dog. I cannot get out of bed some days and have laid there sobbing until I can no more or until my wife comes to try to help me. I see the doctor, he changes my medication and signs me off work.

What do I do with the time off. The weather is good, so I go out on my bicycle. I go to the gym, I want a six pack and so I work hard to get one. A nice target but it isn't going to see me through the next 20 years. What will fulfill me for the rest of my life, I don't know, so I see a counsellor, a lady I have seen before and that I trust. We talk about my life, my family, my job. We discuss some of the issues that are leaving me feeling so empty.

At some time, I will have to go back to work, to teaching. The students will ask me why I was off for so long. How will I answer this? With the truth. I am not ashamed of my illness but bloody well wish I didn't have it. If I had a magic button to get rid of these feelings, I would press it in an instant.

So where do I go from here? I will have to see. I will give it time, I will think hard and take advice. I will try to appreciate the love and care of my wife and my family. Will this be enough? Only time will tell.