A typical attempt at mindfulness meditation following an app, which I have on my phone, goes like this:-

App Take a comfy seat!
Me   Ok, good start I can do that.

App Sit upright!
Me   Done.

App Breathe!
Me   No problems.

App Be dignified and confident!
Me   Trying, but I probably look a total idiot,  hope nobody is around.

App Noticing where the hands rest!
Me   Now where are they?  O embarrassing, now I really hope no-one is around.

App Now just be who you are!
Me   ??

App Live in the moment!
Me   I wonder what is going on outside....No, back to living in the moment.

App Centre on your pelvis!
Me   Oo-er, rude missus...No, back to just being in myself.

And this goes on for three minutes until the app says I can stop.  Typically, I do go through it at least three times and it seems to get better as I go along.  I must also say that I often do feel more relaxed after I have finished doing it, so I must stick at it.  Practice makes perfect they say.

First the good news, I managed to beat the instructor's time in the rowing challenge by about 2 seconds.  The bad news was that the challenge ran out on Sunday and not today like I thought. So officially he is faster but I reckon I have some bragging rights.  Mind you I nearly fell off the machine at the end.  I reckon I am getting too old for this type of thing.

My mood seem to be improving despite some real knock backs yesterday.  I am hoping this new medication is really starting to take full effect now.  I am going to write this and then have a go at a mindfulness session.  I am nervous because I have been told it can make things worse before they make them better, but I really need to get a firm foundation in place before I try to move on.  If mindfulness is effective, as my very limited reading of the literature seems to suggest (links below), I would be foolish to not give it a good go.

I went singing again last night and really enjoyed it.  I guess I will have to start practicing a bit more at home.  Should be funny.  Might be safer to leave it for the car.  The trouble is without the words in front of me I might start "Collarding" as it has been called.  Collarding is the act of singing the wrong words to a vaguley correct tune.

Onward and hopefully upwards, lets hope for a stress free day.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/improve-mental-wellbeing.aspx
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/78/2/169/
http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/emo/10/1/12/
http://pps.sagepub.com/content/6/6/537.short

I  have decided that I must write lists.  It is far too easy to just play on the computer and sleep, its time to get myself in order, especially if I want to go back to work soon.  I hope this shows some signs of recovery.  So I have written a list of jobs to get done and already ticked one off, which feels good.  Am I allowed to sleep now?

I am continuing in my quest to publicise this blog.  I have tweeted several famous people (not sure why they are called celebrities) and seem to be getting interest from one.  Hopefully I will have news later on today. I have also tweeted Robbie Williams, I don't imagine he will even see it, but its worth a try.

Stephen Fry is also someone who would be fantastic to retweet my blog but he is off twitter at the moment.  I have so much respect for that man.  He is often said to be a 'national institution' and he is gay.  Does that mean  that homosexuality is no longer a stigma? I do sense a change in mood. Using the word "gay" as a derogatory term seems to have almost died out.  Single sex marriage seems to be largely accepted.  Has our society has moved  on enough, to ignore the idiots (while still giving them their free speech)?  I am not sure, but I really hope so.  I have a very similar opinion of Clare Balding btw.

Right the gym rowing challenge ends tomorrow so I must go and beat that instructor.  Then it will be time for lunch and to tick more things off of the lists.

  

This is the most difficult time I have had writing this blog, as the words really aren't flowing today. My brain is full to overflowing point and, having taken the increased dose of medication, I have been rather sleepy today.

I have considered many topics to discuss today but these would all lead to a rant by me that really isn't the purpose of this blog. I have written so many drafts of it today that I am completely exhausted.  It seems the blog is having many effects, some positive and unfortunately a few negative. This was always the risk when I started this.  I do have to remind myself why I am writing it in the first place and that is to have an outlet for how I am feeling and to hopefully help someone else who may be in a similar position.  

I am also seeking some answers.  It might seem quite flippant to some but the question that is really bothering me today is why do people still believe in any type of god, when things like the Nepalese disaster happen?  I have written this question previously on Facebook and never really received a satisfactory answer.  So if anyone could enlighten me I would be grateful.

Anyway this has taken me near enough two hours to write.  It has been one massive edit after another.

So here I am sat in a nice warm and cosy house, rather than freezing up on Dartmoor. I woke up this morning, feeling quite anxious and nervous, looked at the weather and thought 'stuff it'. I have however cycled about 40 miles over Exmoor. I am going to stay at my mum's house instead and cycle home tomorrow.

Cycling gives you plenty of time for thinking.  I am not quite sure this is a good thing at the moment but the cycling is beneficial, as when I am tired I sleep much better. I am however going to give mindlefullness meditation another go this week as I have been assured that it does help and there is some good science behind it (a scientist to the core).   Any good YouTube videos recommendations would be welcomed. 

I do feel that I might be on the mend as my emotions aren't so erratic. I am going to increase my medication tonight as the doctor suggested. I just hope that they will stabilise at a higher level than they are at currently. 

I had some lovely feedback from a very lovely lady we know through the bmx club.   She has encouraged me to keep on blogging as she has found it useful for her family.  She has shared it with her children and to help them understand the condition.   This remains myy hope for this blog.

So its the 25^th of April, my birthday. I have never felt less like having a birthday, than I do today. We have gone away for a night in the camper van, to beautiful Woolacombe in North Devon. This is lovely, although my mood remains low. I am really hoping its the medication. I am now off of my old medication fully and taking some new. I have got to increase the dose later in the week. The doctor signed me off work for two weeks but I am really hoping to be able to go back after this, as it will get harder and harder to do so. The problem with teaching is you have to be at full strength because there are absolutely no hiding places in the classroom.

Tomorrow I am hoping to cycle down to Dartmoor and wild camp for a night Then cycle home on Monday. Its about 100miles altogether but does involve going over Exmoor and Dartmoor, so there's a good chance I will get the train home from Exeter on Monday. It will be a good warm up for France.

I will keep this blog very short today as it is very slow to load through Devon's Mobile phone system. Please keep reading and please post some comments.

Lots of have people have made comments on my blog, some in the comments section, some on Facebook and some in person.  Most people have suggested that it is a brave or courageous thing to do. This is strange to me, as it feels perfectly natural. 

This leads me to ponder why talking about mental illness is such a stigma.  The campaign 'Time to Change' has been set up by mental health charities, to encourage people to talk about mental health issues.  It is an excellent place to go for help.  They have a section where people can pledge to end the stigma.  I can't help noticing that there are far more women than men.

The article by Ally Fogg, printed in the guardian last year, (Britain's male suicide rate is a national tragedy), shows that male suicide numbers have increased since the 1980s whereas female  numbers have gone down. He puts the cause down to:-

'the insidious influence of macho conditioning that beseeches to "man up" and demands that "boys don't cry" on pain of mockery and humiliation.'.

'You've got it easy, some people are really suffering' , 'snapout of it' , "what have you got to be sad about?", all statements I am sure depressed people have heard at some time in their lives. If we bloody well could, we would.  I have hardly been out of the house for the last two days,  am nervous about seeing my doctor this evening and I feel really guilty about the students I am supposed to teach. Who really thinks I would not just get better, if I could?  So lets talk, talk to everyone and anyone about any mental health issues.  I am fortunate that I can, but others need encouragement.  Is there someone in your life that would benefit from talking? Give them that chance, but advice would be best coming from a professional like a GP or a counsellor.  If the situation is severe don't hesitate to contact the emergency services or Samaritans.

On to lighter things.  I am trying to get this blog 'out there' so I have been tweeting celebraties, with an interest in mental health issues to ask them to share my blog.  Amazingly, Beverly Callard did yesterday, she even replied to me with a couple of x's.  I am still blushing from this but please don't tell my wife.

Life sure has its ups and downs.  I haven't yet left the house today and have gone through a wide spectrum of emotions.   I woke up feeling OK, thought about about what to do for the day and found myself feeling hopeless.  This is because I don't feel I have anything really exciting to  look forward to in the near future.  This I find very difficult and it compounds my feeling of having no idea what to do next.

My wife has been brilliant but my constant bad mood and moaning is starting to get to her now. The problem we have is that she is really a home bird and doesn't have to many ambitions to travel, whereas I do. She has said I can do what I want, when I want, but I guess I have been to scared to take her up on that.   So I think I am going to go to France at half term. 

A few years ago my youngest step son went on a French exchange and we have kept in touch with his family since.  They have been asking when we are going to go to France, so I have asked them if I could see them during that time.  If it all works out, I will get the ferry to Cherbourg on Monday, cycle the 150 miles to their home town over the week, (hopefully via the Bayeux tapestry) and then see them on the weekend, before I come back on the Sunday.  This has made my mood much better. I have cycled in France before and had a great time, but this time I am going to take an airbed as it is much more comfy than a carry mat.

So since I have started writing this I have had a Facebook chat with our French friends and it looks as though they are OK to have me for the day and night over half-term.  This has given me a real lift. So now to book the ferries.

I have woken up today feeling very anxious and nervous but am not entirely sure why.  I think its because I am scared of the future.  When I go back to work, nothing will have changed, all the issues in my life will be the same.  Yes I am starting to do new things and these are a distraction but they aren't addressing the fundamental causes of my depression.

Onset of my depression often goes through the following stages:-

1. Frustration with aspects of my life that I have no control over.  
2. Anger because of my frustration.
3. Finally depression

This is certainly true for this episode of my depression but I have also lost confidence in myself.  I have always had faith in my judgement in the past, never being afraid to say "I don't know".  This sounds very arrogant and I guess it is, but is has sustained me through many situations that might have frustrated me.  This lack of self confidence is really troubling me as I don't know how to get it back.

One of the biggest causes of my frustration in the past has been the medical treatment of my older daughter.  She was born lymphodema.  Many people get in it later life or after surgery,  but to be born with it is very rare.  Her mother first noticed it at a few weeks old but it subsequently took several years to get a proper diagnosis. Her prognosis was poor, in fact the literature said that not many survive though infancy. The condition effects her lungs and the left side of her body. Her left leg and arm are swollen due to the lymph not draining properly.  This was made worse by the lack of treatment. Since those early years and a move to a different area, she has received much better treatment, especially for the lymphodema in her leg.  We have also found an excellent shop in Exeter that tailor makes her shoes. She is now 18, has a boyfriend (!!), is doing A levels after getting fantastic GCSEs, has been a member of the UK youth parliament and won a "pride of somerset" award. She is hoping to get into medical school in 2016 as she wants to be a GP. She is a real inspiration to me and many others.  In fact, it is her that has inspired me to start this blog.

So now on with the rest of the day.  I am finding writing this very helpful and cathartic.  I certainly feel better than I did when I started about an hour ago.  The blog seems to be getting out there terms of page views.  This was greatly helped by the fact that the cyclist Graeme Obree retweeted the link for me.  He has had an amazing life with massive including breaking the world hour record twice but he too has suffered with mental health issues.  I urge you to read his life story "The Flying Scotsman" or see the film based on the book.  Another inspiration in my life.

Day three of my blog.  I have managed to publicise it a bit more, to people outside of my circle of friends.  I have just started using Twitter (@notSoFatButBald)and several people have kindly retweeted the blog's web address. I have also pledged to speak out about my illness on the Time to Change website.

A very good friend of mine commented on Facebook about prayer and how I would rather people not bother with it.  She made a set of lovely comments.  I have taken a quote from it:-

"I guess that's a nice thing cse those that pray see it as a very special respectful thoughtful caring act".

I can't disagree with that in many cases, but I do see prayer as an easy way out for some, as "I have done my bit, now its over to god".  I feel that many people use prayer as a way to make themselves feel better, without actually doing anything.

It might seem to people that I am a little hung up over religion/prayer and I guess, in all honesty, I am. I come from a very christian background and because of my atheism, I often feel quite cut off. My family love me beyond any measure, I am sure of that.  They have always been there for me but there is always a divide because of my lack of faith.  I am really not sure how, or even if, this can ever be overcome.  Any advice here would be welcomed, but please move beyond the "open your mind/heart and let god in" type scenario as it really doesn't work for me. More useful would be advice/experiences from people in a similar positions.

I am starting to implement the strategies my counsellor has suggested and so I am going to a singing group tonight.  It will be the second time and I feel even more nervous than last week.  It was fun last time and I didn't cause any permanent injury to anyone, which is a vast improvement from when I used to go country dancing.  The weather is still lovely but I haven't taken full advantage of this.  I must do so tomorrow.  One other thing that is really motivating me at the moment is a rowing machine challenge at the gym.  I am currently 2nd in the standings, being beaten by one of the instructors.  I reckon I can beat him but probably won't be able to walk for a week afterwards.

Anyway, if you are reading this and feel moved to do so, please make some comments below.   It is a great boost to me to know that people are finding this blog useful.

Well that was an overwhelming response to my first blog.  Hundreds of page views and lots of supportive feedback. It has also surprised me that so many people relate to things in it in very different ways, from very different circumstances. It has given me a focus for the moment but I am unsure where to go with it now.  Suggestions would be welcome.

Surprisingly no-one has offered to pray for me, a fact I am glad about because as an atheist it really doesn't help.  I would prefer people shared the blog and talk about it, rather than waste time praying. From a selfish point of view it would make me feel better if I thought it was helping others.

A few people have focused their comments (mainly through Facebook) around teaching.  Although I do feel somewhat disenchanted with teaching at the moment, one particular comment I had from a parent of a child I used to teach, has given me a real boost and reminded me what teaching is about. It isn't about statistics and league tables, it is about children and young adults.  If I feel nothing is ever good enough, how do they feel?  The results of such pressure on some of our young people is catastrophic, as I have seen at first hand in my family. My school has a good view on the bigger picture but its hands are tied by the "results at all costs" culture that successive governments have forced upon us.  Industry has a concept of "fit for purpose", why doesn't the education system?  Why is "good" not good enough?

Anyway onwards and upwards I hope. I am seeing my counsellor later on today and hoping she will continue to help move towards the future with some sort of vision of what to do next.  All I know currently is that I am really enjoying doing this blog and as I said it has given me a focus and some sort of peace at the moment.  

So here I am two years off fifty and wondering where I am going next. Mid-life crisis I guess, but is it like this for everyone? My 5 offspring and step-offspring are all grown up and not really needing me much now. They have been my focus for so long I have forgotten what it is like to be anything but a Dad. Yes I am a man with the empty nest feeling, the “what do I do next?” question.

How do I react, well, my version of Churchill's black dog bites me. Except it doesn't just bite me, it nips at the heels of all of my family, more like a pack than a single dog. I cannot get out of bed some days and have laid there sobbing until I can no more or until my wife comes to try to help me. I see the doctor, he changes my medication and signs me off work.

What do I do with the time off. The weather is good, so I go out on my bicycle. I go to the gym, I want a six pack and so I work hard to get one. A nice target but it isn't going to see me through the next 20 years. What will fulfill me for the rest of my life, I don't know, so I see a counsellor, a lady I have seen before and that I trust. We talk about my life, my family, my job. We discuss some of the issues that are leaving me feeling so empty.

At some time, I will have to go back to work, to teaching. The students will ask me why I was off for so long. How will I answer this? With the truth. I am not ashamed of my illness but bloody well wish I didn't have it. If I had a magic button to get rid of these feelings, I would press it in an instant.

So where do I go from here? I will have to see. I will give it time, I will think hard and take advice. I will try to appreciate the love and care of my wife and my family. Will this be enough? Only time will tell.