I wrote on Friday that I was going to try to be strong because of a family crisis.  Well I failed miserably. It is just good that my wife is so strong to support me.  Hopefully, when I get better, I will be able to support her more, she deserves it.

I am sleeping too much.  I went to bed at 7 last night, went straight to sleep and didn't wake up until 9 this morning.  It must be the medication having some effect, although I always sleep a lot, even when I am well.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to try keep a more regular, routine day.  Get up on time and keep as busy as I can.  I really would like to go back to work before the end of term but it would be a lot harder if I don't have routine in my life.

Life really does drop some enormous bombs sometimes and we have had one today.  Nothing life threatening, but enough to cause the family some serious hassle. Sorry if you are reading this and wondering what it is, but some things I cannot share on a blog that is open for all to read.

Luckily I seem to be in a more resilient state of mind and it isn't effecting me too much yet. Sometimes these things have a delayed effect on me and it takes a couple of days but I need to be strong to support my wife through this.  When I am depressed, I find it very difficult to be anything but selfish, but really I must make an effort to look beyond myself, especially over the next few days.

I have had a lovely morning out with a old friend of mine who I used to work with.  He is a great chap and kindly listened to everything I had to say, despite the fact it was all moans and groans.  I say thank you to him and look forward to seeing him in the summer.

I am feeling somewhat better today even though I didn't really sleep very well last night.  The medication seems to be improving my mood but affecting my sleep patterns.  Hopefully the sleep will settle down because the mood improvements are really giving me some optimism.  Little steps are important here because I am scared of going back to where I was at the weekend. I remain vulnerable.

I see some of my friends have been doing some very long bike rides getting ready for the Nello, 100 mile ride at the end of June.  It makes me feel that I need to some longer rides so that I have any chance of keeping up with them on the day.  Trouble is I am putting on weight, partly due to the fact that I have been doing a lot of weight training recently, partly due to the medication but mainly because I keep eating chocolate. I should be OK on the flat, because I am quite fit, but it will be difficult dragging my bulk up all of the hills. 

I am struggling to find anything positive to write at the moment.  Every thing seems to be difficult, including getting out of bed and going out of the house.  I was supposed to go cycling with friends today, but couldn't face seeing too many people, so I didn't go.  The problem is, that I can't see how it is going to get better. Hopefully the psychiatrist will help as she might be more able to improve my medication.

And as ever, when I feel like this, my mind turns towards religion.  I always wonder why nothing comes along to make me feel better.  I know my suffering is much less than others in the world but why should people suffer?  I have read some of the arguments for human suffering but they really don't make sense to me. 

As far as I can see, it all comes back to faith being the most important thing.  Why does it have to be faith and not real evidence?   The answer to this is that there is no strong evidence in anything supernatural, so it has to rely on belief and faith.  Why would any god do that to us?  What is so special about just believing in something?  

Footnote

People will obviously think that my mind turns to religion at times of crisis because it is some sort of truth. I think it is because of my up bringing and the indelible mark it has made on me.  For example, if from a very young age I was told that the sun was a god I would still feel uneasy during eclipses, fearing I might have upset it.  I was told at an early age that god was the answer to everything, it is hard to shake off that hope.

Yesterday I thought I couldn't feel any worse, but today I do, much worse. This is just such a such a horrid illness it is taking everything I am and destroying it.

When I started to write this blog I thought I should write it no matter how I felt, as it would be a good record for the future but today I am not sure.  I guess I am going to write and put it online more as cry for help more than anything.  It is destroying me and  even worse it is taking my family relationships with it.

It has been a really difficult couple of days.  I have had a series of knocks that have left me feeling rock bottom.  I now have started to doubt everything about myself.  The foundations on which I build my life seem shaky at the moment.   I really don't know where to go from here and am now really scared of the future.

I saw my Doctor yesterday and he was his usual fantastic self.  He has referred me to a psychiatrist because I am not making the improvements he would have hoped.  I just hope they can work some sort of miracle because surely life can be better than this.

Yesterday we celebrated my wife's birthday.  It was great, especially  because her three boys (my step sons), our lodger and their partners came to tea.  So a pleasant time was had by all.  It is good to see all the boys making their own way in the world and to see them so resilient to the 'school of hard knocks' that they have had along the way.  I look at them and have absolutely no wish to be their age again, unless I could be there with my 48 year old head on my shoulders.  I am sure the pressures they are under, are far greater than they were when I was a teenager and in my early twenties.

Sleep continues to be an issue for me,  I am either sleeping too much or too little. It make a normal life very difficult and is making any thoughts, of a return to work, impossible.  I am seeing my Doctor tomorrow and I am going to have to discuss this with him particularly in terms of my medication and to see what can be done.

I am off to see my counselor again this morning which continues to be helpful, if nothing else it is good just to be able to talk without fear of interruption.  She does also nudge me in the right direction and builds my self confidence.

I have written before about my older daughter and how she has grown into a brilliant young woman. I am going to write about the younger one today.

She is currently 16 and in the middle of her GCSE exams.  Well that poor kid has not only had the worry of all her sister's illnesses and my depression, but she has also had to watch some of her friends suffer horribly with eating disorders.

Her reactions to all of this has been inspirational.  Even as a young child, she dealt with all her sister's hospital visits with no fuss, never being jealous of the all the attention she missed out on. She has also given me wise advice during my illness, showing a maturity well beyond her years. She has stayed strong during her friends' illnesses and has been prepared to go to extraordinary lengths to support them.

To say I was proud of her doesn't really do it justice, it is more like I am in awe of her, she really is special.

I am increasingly becoming concerned that this medication (Mirtazapine) isn't really suiting me. It is making me feel constantly lethargic, quite dizzy, I am eating non stop and putting on weight. I am seeing the doctor on Friday and will ask him whether it would be good to change it back to the fluoxetine.

My mood is still quite low, partly because I am now starting to doubt I will be ready for work, even after half term. I am OK at home but I really need to get my life back to normal.  As I have said previously, I am looking forward to going back to teaching but I have to be 100%.   

I am however looking to the future, I am  looking at things to fill the gaps in my life.  I have emailed a couple of organisations where I might be able to use my experiences of depression to benefit others.  Watch this space for more details. 

So how my mood changes.  I felt alright most of yesterday, had one minor upset whilst in town and ended up, in tears, at my in-laws house.  That is the problem with this condition, it effects everyone around me.  They were all very kind, but I really need to sort this out.