I have woken up today feeling very anxious and nervous but am not entirely sure why.  I think its because I am scared of the future.  When I go back to work, nothing will have changed, all the issues in my life will be the same.  Yes I am starting to do new things and these are a distraction but they aren't addressing the fundamental causes of my depression.

Onset of my depression often goes through the following stages:-

1. Frustration with aspects of my life that I have no control over.  
2. Anger because of my frustration.
3. Finally depression

This is certainly true for this episode of my depression but I have also lost confidence in myself.  I have always had faith in my judgement in the past, never being afraid to say "I don't know".  This sounds very arrogant and I guess it is, but is has sustained me through many situations that might have frustrated me.  This lack of self confidence is really troubling me as I don't know how to get it back.

One of the biggest causes of my frustration in the past has been the medical treatment of my older daughter.  She was born lymphodema.  Many people get in it later life or after surgery,  but to be born with it is very rare.  Her mother first noticed it at a few weeks old but it subsequently took several years to get a proper diagnosis. Her prognosis was poor, in fact the literature said that not many survive though infancy. The condition effects her lungs and the left side of her body. Her left leg and arm are swollen due to the lymph not draining properly.  This was made worse by the lack of treatment. Since those early years and a move to a different area, she has received much better treatment, especially for the lymphodema in her leg.  We have also found an excellent shop in Exeter that tailor makes her shoes. She is now 18, has a boyfriend (!!), is doing A levels after getting fantastic GCSEs, has been a member of the UK youth parliament and won a "pride of somerset" award. She is hoping to get into medical school in 2016 as she wants to be a GP. She is a real inspiration to me and many others.  In fact, it is her that has inspired me to start this blog.

So now on with the rest of the day.  I am finding writing this very helpful and cathartic.  I certainly feel better than I did when I started about an hour ago.  The blog seems to be getting out there terms of page views.  This was greatly helped by the fact that the cyclist Graeme Obree retweeted the link for me.  He has had an amazing life with massive including breaking the world hour record twice but he too has suffered with mental health issues.  I urge you to read his life story "The Flying Scotsman" or see the film based on the book.  Another inspiration in my life.