So here I am two years
off fifty and wondering where I am going next. Mid-life crisis I
guess, but is it like this for everyone? My 5 offspring and
step-offspring are all grown up and not really needing me much now.
They have been my focus for so long I have forgotten what it is like
to be anything but a Dad. Yes I am a man with the empty nest
feeling, the “what do I do next?” question.
How do I react, well, my
version of Churchill's black dog bites me. Except it doesn't just
bite me, it nips at the heels of all of my family, more like a pack
than a single dog. I cannot get out of bed some days and have laid
there sobbing until I can no more or until my wife comes to try to
help me. I see the doctor, he changes my medication and signs me off
work.
What do I do with the
time off. The weather is good, so I go out on my bicycle. I go to
the gym, I want a six pack and so I work hard to get one. A nice
target but it isn't going to see me through the next 20 years. What
will fulfill me for the rest of my life, I don't know, so I see a
counsellor, a lady I have seen before and that I trust. We talk
about my life, my family, my job. We discuss some of the issues that are leaving me feeling so empty.
At some time, I will
have to go back to work, to teaching. The students will ask me why I
was off for so long. How will I answer this? With the truth. I am
not ashamed of my illness but bloody well wish I didn't have it. If
I had a magic button to get rid of these feelings, I would press it
in an instant.
So where do I go from
here? I will have to see. I will give it time, I will think hard
and take advice. I will try to appreciate the love and care of my
wife and my family. Will this be enough? Only time will tell.
7 comments:
Very brave Mike, as you know I have also suffered with the dreaded depression. Unfortunately, we don't express or share our feelings enough and just carry on with the "stiff upper lip" until all the shit that everyday life throws at us, fills us and we overflow. Unless you have suffered depression you can not begin to understand the feelings nor how it affects our lives. It is not just a "bad day" or a "blue day". Please Mike, keep this blog running, if one persons reads it and shares their feelings it may help them as well as yourself. XX
Thanks Russell.
Please share it with anyone and everyone as it might help as you say.
They (children, step children) will always need you my friend, but you will not know, you have shared your wisdom and knowledge with them, they make decisions without knowing where it came from, (you, their mum, or dad, who knows?)
Six packs are for those who need to prove something,,, you don't.
The next twenty years? who cares, we may not last that long, I knew some lovely people whose lives were taken to early, one called Ray who I did know for long enough, although those years I had, and those of my wife and children could not be beaten.
I will never forget the words of my father in law at his(Ray's) funeral, "my grand children have lost a their third Granddad"
I know nothing of your illness, but you are a good man, and helped my Karen last year with your wise words and friendship, during her bad times, it helped me as well knowing you understand and care.
Teaching or counseling, you decide your future, to teach or counsel, it is the same, you need to live through it to teach it, and you are doing so, with bravery.
Good luck my friend.
Thanks Graham they are very kind words. The kindnesses you have shown mum since dad died are beyond compare. Thank you for the support you have shown all of my family.
So sorry to hear you are suffering from this vile illness. And raging to read of the 'years of being told I am not good enough.' They sure as hell didn't ask the kids or their parents. You taught my son, Peter, for a while. On several occasions he spoke of you as being one of his best (and funniest!) teachers. He also spoke of your many acts of kindness. He found school a really tough place to be and more than once your kindness to him made a grim day much easier. Thank you. You make a real difference, as the best teachers do. Warmest wishes for a good recovery. Fiona Cox
Your blog is great Mike and very courageous. My brother suffered from mental illness, he had schizophrenia and ended up walking out of a so called 'secure' unit and freezing to death by a stream miles away. He was only 26. So I do know that any kind of mental illness can be difficult to get through. My mum is a trained councillor and she always says that depression is like emotional constipation! When you aren't able to express negative emotions through naturally crying or talking, it gets bottled up. If we ignore our feelings or try to 'soldier on', it can sometimes lead to eating disorders, depression etc. She says that our emotions are there for a reason, to tell us something and that we should listen to what they are saying. Usually the need to change our lives in some way. Anyway, I'm certainly no expert and I'm sure what I say is nothing new to you. Don't want to be one of those tedious people with well meaning 'advice' who actually have no clue of what it's really like to suffer with depression. So for God's sake, pull yourself together man... you'll feel better in the morning..we all get a bit down sometimes..:) xxx have I been cheeky enough yet?! Xxx
For what it's worth Mike, I think you are a brilliant teacher and really great with the kids. I would rather watch paint dry than sit through some of the science lessons at school, but you always seem to make them bearable...almost interesting..! :) But don't be afraid to take a new path in life. I'm sure you would be great whatever you choose to do xxx I saw a brilliant link on fb today and thought of you. As I am fairly shit at technology, I'm not sure how to put the link on, but it's on my fb 'wall'. It just talks about being 'grateful' in life and how it has been scientifically proven to improve your health, happiness etc.. I think everyone should read it. Anyway I thought it was really interesting. Take care Mike and good luck with your blog, takes bollocks and strength of character to share how you feel like that. Jackie xxxxx
Jackie, thank you so much for your kind comments. It really does make a lot of difference. I didn't know about your brother and I don't know what to say. It is unimaginably horrible and I can't even try to think what it must have been like.
The comments your Mum makes about emotional constipation are very true but it seems as though I have the emotional diarrhea, as I can't keep mine in. In all seriousness I do think talking about depression puts me in the best place to recover. Any more bottling up and I think I would have exploded.
Anyway thanks again for your comments and I hopefully will be back to school quite soon and I will see you there, although Karen and I must come to watch you singing before long.
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